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My Time

It’s my time now….. time to grow in love, empathy and faith.  Too often we allow events from the past to totally dictate our future; to take us away from our ordained path.  We then beg…

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My Time

It’s my time now….. time to grow in love, empathy and faith.  Too often we allow events from the past to totally dictate our future; to take us away from our ordained path.  We then begin to flounder and become so   mystified by things that are unimportant. Of this, I am guilty. The plan however is to grow and learn from those ghastly mistakes.  When we wallow in mourning the past, we lose the goodness that resides in the present.  I refuse to allow my growth to be stymied by the ones who came, took and left or the ones who belittled my efforts or even assassinated  my character.  I have learned during this growth process that the issue has never been mine but theirs.  It is my time to give back to myself all that has been stolen  or rather to be open and accept what God has in store for me.  Yes, it is my time and I claim it, embrace it as I receive and appreciate the time I have been given.  It’s my time to reflect on the past but to live in the present.  I will now bask in the goodness that I see and plunge fully in this precious gift called life by living in the moment.

Self Examination!

It’s been a while since I visited my writing.  There are times when we have to take a break to hear ourselves think, to mull over our lives and regroup so the best person can emerge.  I have been searching my soul and found some things that i do not particularly like and some things that I truly love about me,   I love my confidence, my resilience and my ability to reflect and fix the things I might not see as flattering.  In the search of self however, I have been able to grow.  My little petty peeves are no longer important.  They have caused chaos which sent me at times into an abyss of loneliness.  My little insecurities  have been conquered and the minor fears that I embraced are gone because I know that God did not give  a spirit of fear.  I am now better able to face life’s challenges knowing that there is nothing that I can’t do.  I recently visited my home country and enjoyed reuniting with old friends and family.  I spent a month and during this time I did my soul searching.  There is a lot to be said about returning to ones roots.  I was, in an unhurried manner, able to appreciate the beauty of my country; not just the scenery, but the people, the culture and all that that tiny country, Jamaica,  instilled in me.  I thank God that I have not lost the values that  I learned as a child.  Visiting my country allowed me to visit myself.  Unfortunately, while there I became ill and had to return to the U.S.  The illness however, I did not see as a negative; instead I embraced it as a purging of some of the ills that caused some of my dis-ease.  I am now well and am looking forward to the new me, a positive, calm woman with a quest to find out more about myself.  I love what I see and am so grateful for the friends and family that have passed through the doors of my life.  I no longer take things for granted because I know everything is temporal and the only constant is change.  I am now able to embrace life with gusto and in a serene manner.  I am glad to be back expressing  my conviction to continue  in my quest for self examination and improvement.

An Angel in Our Midst

She lives among us  She is always there in a crisis, picking up the pieces, mending broken hearts, lifting us from the depths our depressions.  She never tires.  Cheerfully running here and there; not taking a moment to think about her needs.  Her wellspring of energy never ceases.  She gives and gives somewhere always seeking another cause.  Family and friends rely on her but she never stops as she gives to all. What makes her so different.  Her selfless devotion continues even when she is down.  God shines through her,  His mercy wells up from her very soul.  She lives among us always that angel in our midst.  Treasure her because she is a rare gem.  Love her and cherish her because little do we know she is a precious gift just waiting for the next assignment. My angel, my sister, my friend; you already have your wings.

Discovery

Discovery.

Discovery

It came crashing down on me like two tons of left over dirt; crushing me into an abyss of blood curdling emotions. it held on to me with the tenacity of a pit bull. I cringed as I tried to dodge those ugly memories.  They were piled in the recesses of my mind and as I pulled one and looked at it, here comes another.  I sincerely thought my life had gotten better but this thing; this thing that was dormant for years, tugged at me, pushing me to revisit the scenes of the various indiscretions that now plagued my very existence .  Frighteningly enough,  I realized at that these events went back to childhood; one filled with numerous ups and downs.  But those things had become the catalyst which forced me to grow, to seek better alternatives and to become a better me.  But how do I know that I am a better person? With what do I compare this life that has been embroiled in deception, lying, disappointments and pain?  In order to get a grip, i had to pull each piece of dirty laundry and look at the stains; the recurring nightmares, the fits of rage, jealousy and confusion.  But that was not all.  I felt guilt, shame and a total disconnect from the norms of society.  My heart cried out in excruciating pain.  The empty , lonely nights and bitter days all melded into one.  As I screamed loudly, I realized, I was in anguish and no one heard those hollowed   screams.  They heard them not, because of  the hollow mask of joy that i daily wore..I was spent, bent over in agony and grief, yet no human saw the depths of my pain.  I had been covering it well.  At the moment of true revelation, however, I pulled back, shelved it and again moved on as I realized I could not succumb to the pain because so many others depended on me.

A Heavy Heart

A Heavy Heart.